cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
