I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
