and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
