I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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