he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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