I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
