So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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