I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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