I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
