Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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