the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Your topless pictures make me question reality
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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