Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
