There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
