Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
