You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
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Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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