Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
