is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
