I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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