Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
