Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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