The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
