Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
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I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
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I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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