I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize