My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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