I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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