the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
