worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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