I can tuck mytits in my pants
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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