he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
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