i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
