i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
