What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
