apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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