hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm too high and old for this...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
