I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
