I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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