They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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