Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
