One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
