I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
