I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had sex on a roof
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize