I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
