I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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