wanna go halves on a baby?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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