so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
