All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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