I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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