...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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