I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
