I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
