Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
