no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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