is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
