How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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