If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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