fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
